1.    Instead of getting a watch dog, why not just put a chalk outline of a guy in your driveway?

2.   A sure fire way to deter Jehovah Witnesses is to ask, “May I have this dance?”

3.   Before ordering the pulled pork, always insist on knowing who pulled it.

4.   Some shampoos promise “more volume.” I was completely unaware that people were having trouble hearing their hair. 

5.    Be careful what you say. A woman asked me if I would like to have kids. I told her someday. Two weeks later she dropped her kids off at my house for the weekend.

6.    Fat mean never having to say you’re full.

7.   What’s the deal with that ‘Siri’ woman? I was leaving the house and she sarcastically asked, “You’re wearing that?”

8.    Hospitals and courthouses are two places in serious need of cocktail lounges.

9.   You have way too much money if you have a Gucci colostomy bag.

10.  A boy does not become a man until such time as he comes to value peace of mind over piece of ass.

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