A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected -and sometimes humorous.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
Money is the root of all wealth.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.