Dear Woolworth Building,
How was your 100th birthday? Are you hungover? Did you do a lot of reflecting last night? You know what they say, nostalgia is death. Anyway, don't you just HATE how New York City has changed in the last century? Nothing really looks like you anymore. And you've got a Starbucks lodged inside you, just like everyone else.
And can you believe how hyped up Brooklyn is these days? BROOKLYN! Jesus.
But seriously do you just feel like a stranger in a strange place now? Sometimes are you just like, "Listen motherfuckers, I was financed in CA$H! My lobby was created by artists and sculptors.
There is a marble sculpture of myself inside of myself. And I don't let just anyone onto my observation deck, that shit is not easy to get on to. Did I mention I have a pool... I don't even use it!"
Do you ever tell the other buildings the story about how on April 24th, 1913 you "illuminated the New York night" with 80,000 incandescent bulbs all over your tower, and how those bulbs were activated by President Woodrow Wilson? What was he like?!
Sometimes do you look over and say, "I'mma let you finish One World Trade Center, but I was the tallest building IN THE WORLD for 17 years!" (Right? That Kanye gag never gets old! Just like yoooouuu.) Do you just look down on the others and say, "I've touched actual CLOUDS. Call me when you've felt Heaven with your spire or LOL flat boring roof."
Are you the most narcissistic building in our skyline? You are, aren't you? It's cool, we hate Frank Gehry, too. And you're really pretty, inside and out.
Seriously, even your guts are cool looking...
Are you blushing? That's so cute and old fashioned. Buildings these days are sort of emotionally unavailable assholes, just cold as steel. And they're not even nearly as interesting as you! Sorry, you must get this all the time. It's just nice to when a building has a little soul.
So, apologies about the belated greeting, we would have left a Happy Birthday message on your Facebook wall but you haven't accepted our friendship yet. No it's fine, we know you're busy just being you and all. And please, keep being you—don't let those rich douchebags change you.
P.S. Sorry you're not in our logo. MAJOR oversight.