Ponderisms [via Tom DeCoursey]


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


 Can you cry under water?


 How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


 Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it’s only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going? 


 Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


 What disease did cured ham actually have?


 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


 Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?


 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


 Why is “bra" singular and "panties" plural?


 Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


 If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?


 If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


 If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


 Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


 Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?



JOYS OF ENGLISH [via Cacciatore}

Homographs are words of like  spelling but with more than one meaning.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong for me to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell.

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

Clever Dog!

While dogs have a way of getting what they want, usually by being cute or lovable, one pooch in McDonough, Georgia, really took the cake for being the most ingenious canine in our books. After having gotten out of the house one night, Chika, a Labrador mix, wanted back in, and so guess what she did? She rang the doorbell, and it was captured in an adorable video.


 Eventually, her human Rob Fox let Chika in from the chilly fall night.

Later, the recording, captured on a RING doorbell device, was posted on Reddit, and Chika became an internet star. He joked that “in another video I won’t be sharing is me in my underwear two minutes later letting her in.”

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg [via John Reid]


**'Hi honey.** **This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy,**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**the little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**and now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Gabe?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**and into the swimming pool..**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took the water out**
**last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool?  ............**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number........