PARAPROSDOKIANS [via Mary Calhoun]


 PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them.) Here is the definition: 
 
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."


 "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
 
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
 
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
 
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
 
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
 
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
 
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
 
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
 
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
 
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
 
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
 
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
 
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
 
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
 
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
 
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
 
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
 
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 
26. Where there's a will, there's relatives. 

 
27. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

 
28. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

 
29. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 
30. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 

 
31. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
 
32. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" 

 
33. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
 
34. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
 
35. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
 
36. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it
 
37. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes
 
38. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
 
39. I blew a speaker in my car the other day. Yeah, I think he was a... motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth but I feel a lot more positive.
 
40. On the other hand, we have different fingers.

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